The Monologue Show – Complete Joke List

WILL HINES
Charlie Sheen got confused and posted his phone number on twitter. Worse, he also started talking on his phone only 140 characters at a time.Time Magazine named “The Protestor” as its Person of the Year. To express their gratitude, thousands of teenagers are camping out at magazine stands.

Rick Perry continues to emphatically repeat his faith in God, mostly because an all-powerful deity is his only chance of winning.

But seriously, Rick Perry is  done! The US hasn’t elected a fumble-mouthed political cowboy since 2004, 1988, 1980, 1964, 1948, 1920, 1904, 1869, 1845, 1840, 1829, and 1789!

National Transportation Safety Board wants a federal ban on using cell phones while driving. Cell phone advocates fought back saying “Bu…er……no…..vidence………time.”

Currency analysts notes that the Euro has dropped to its lowest value for the year. Also, it keeps wearing too much cologne and smoking.

Ain’t no party like a west coast party… because parties tend to be unique events with too many factors to adequately replicate.

One of the biggest news stories of the year has been Occupy Wallstreet. A less famous one is Preoccupy Wall Street in which unruly teenagers give stock brokers really tough math problems to figure out.

Another big story this year was nude photos of Scarlett Johannsen that she took of herself with her iPhone. Meaning even Scarlett Johannsen wanted to see Scarlett Johnansenn nude.

A NYTimes stories says that young hipsters are abandoning Facebook for unclear reasons. Then your Mom clicked “Like” on that story.

US News and World Report studied which US cities have the highest incidence of drinking, which makes us think US News and World Report needs someone to talk to.

US News and World Report found that Florida contains three of the top cities with the highest incidence of drinking. When surveyed for their thoughts on this, Florida residents elected George Bush.

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin has been accused of rigging national votes through election fraud. He denied the charges, saying he tampers with the vote in open and honest means.

JESSE LEE
A proposed building complex in South Korea was the subject of controversy this week, as some claim the building designs resemble the exploding twin towers on 9/11. The outcry drew no response from the Korean architectural firm, as people outside the US generally don’t give a shit about 9/11.

Donald Trump announced earlier this week that he would not be moderating the upcoming GOP debate, explaining that he wanted to avoid conflicts of interest with other presidential candidates trying to break into reality TV.

Scientists at CERN announced earlier this week that they had made concrete progress towards discovering the elusive Higgs-Boson particle, which many are hailing as a significant milestone for humankind’s understanding of what the fuck happens at CERN.

Hardware retail giant Lowe’s drew criticism for pulling its advertising from the TLC show “All-American Muslim” after the Florida Family Association railed against its depiction of five Muslim families living in Dearborn, IL, a move that brought the level of discourse in America to new Lowe’s.

At a recent Sotheby’s auction, the founding document that started Apple computer, signed by Steve Jobs, Steve Wozniak, and Ron Wayne sold for $1.35 million, but still only came with 2 gigabytes of RAM.

KEITH BETHEA
Christmas is coming as everybody knows, and according to the national weather service it is expected to rain cats and dogs on Christmas day. Which is fine, so long as it doesn’t REINDEER.

Former presidential candidate Herman Cain is reportedly going into the skunk selling business. When reached for comment, Cain said “It makes a lot of SCENTS”

A Florida man was recently reported to Miami-Dade Animal Services for feeding viagra to an alligator. When asked why he did it, he replied “to treat his REPTILE dysfunction”

Donald Trump has decided to pull out of the republican presidential debate he intended to host. When asked of his decision, Trump said “YAAAAAAAW FIIIIIIIIIRWED!!!!”

Former Penn State football coach Jerry Sandusky has reportedly waived his rights to a preliminary hearing for his child sex abuse case, with his defense lawyers citing the move as “a tactical move, as the defense has little to gain from hearing the alleged victims recite the same claims already appearing in the grand jury reports.” Added Sandusky , “Plus, the hearing is totally on at the same time as ‘The Suite Life of Zack and Cody’, a television show I love masturbating to.”

In sports news, Los Angeles Laker forward Lamar Odom has been traded to the Dallas Mavericks. When asked about her and her husband’s upcoming move to Dallas,Texas, Odom’s wife Khloe Kardashian expressed excitement saying “I’ve always dreamed of living overseas”.

DRU JOHNSTON
In a recent article the AARP declared “Baseball” to be Americas pasttime for the older generations. They also said 10 PM was Americas past bed time.

Scientists have discovered a new species of amphibian that is able to grow back a following. Scientists are calling it Newt Gingrich.

The Green Bay Packers are still undefeated this year. When asked to comment on his former team Brett Favre winked at the reporter and told her to check her texts.

Donald Trump is in the news again for failing to get his debate off the ground. He has since fired himself. “You’re fired.”

The NBA is back and preparing to kick off Christmas day. Commissioner David Stern has asked NBA coaches across the nation to not let general pain in the ass Dwight Howard know about it.

American Airlines filed for bankruptcy this month, they just couldn’t get themselves off the ground.

A new planet Kepler 22b was discovered in a habitable zone. Noted astrophysicist Neil Degrasse Tyson has said: “we dont know much about the conditions but we assume it’s better than Detroit.”

Football enthusiasts are claiming that fantasy football is ruining how players approach the game. In related news I don’t understand the rules of football but I’m in second place in my fantasy league

Swiss scientists have discovered evidence for the existence of the Higgs Boson particle, which could lead to a greater understanding of the Big Bang Theory, and other CBS sitcoms.

The NY Post revealed that Derek Jeter gives his one night stands signed baseballs when they leave his place. In related news my girlfriend gave me a Derek Jeter signed baseball for Christmas!

A group of mathematicians have joined the Occupy Wall Street protests. Photos have emerged of them holding scenes saying: “Occu-pi!” and “We are the 3.14 percent.”

Looks like we’re in for another cool winter thanks to La Nina. Although scientists are saying it’s not going to as bad as last year. According to meteorologists: “High twenties to mid thirties isn’t cool. You know what’s cool? A billion dollars.”

Scientists in Geneva have evidence to say they’ve found the God particle. They then cornered relatives at holiday gatherings and forced their Particle religion on them.

Here in New York this last weekend was SantaCon in which hundreds of people got drunk and dressed up in revealing Santa costumes. The street was littered with ho ho hos.

JOE EVANS
There have been a lot of sex scandals within college football recently. It’s a shame to the sport, but on the plus side my fantasy sex criminal league team is doing great.

I’m from New Jersey, which recently took another hit after the city of Camden was named the second most dangerous city in America. The worst part about it is that New Jersey still didn’t come in first for something.

Ex-Penn State coach Joe Paterno recently broke his pelvis after a fall in his home. When asked for comment, Paterno said “well, it’s not like I can do anything now anyway.”

Governer Rick Perry said that “Voters aren’t looking for a robot” regarding his recent memory slips. Apparently Rick Perry thinks voters are looking for a blatantly racist old man.

Governer Rick Perry said that “Voters aren’t looking for a robot” regarding his recent memory slips. They’re looking for someone who can remember names for more than five seconds.

Governer Rick Perry said that “Voters aren’t looking for a robot” regarding his recent memory slips. It’s what they’re looking for in kids movies.

The Occupy Wall Street was one of the biggest news stories this year, which helped organized “Withdraw your money from the bank” day in protest of excessive fees. I withdrew my money, but mainly because my bank tellers keep forgetting my name, and it made me sad.

NOAH FORMAN
According to a new study, Bears have been attacking people at higher rate than usual. When asked for a comment, the bear attacked the reporter.

As a comedian, I was told I should always be looking for my big break. So if anyone knows where to find big car breaks, let me know!

As a comedian, I was told I should always be looking for my big break. Unless of course you’re blind, then you should be listening for it.

My foreign friend broke his leg this morning. Yeah its true.  He through himself down the stairs on purpose! I asked him why, he said “You said ‘breakfast’, so I broke fast.”

Jerry Sandusky continues to dominate headlines with allegations of rape and molestation of 10 year old boys.  When asked to comment on why he would do such a thing to 10 year old boys, Jerry Sandusky said (said in matthew mcconaughey voice) “I keep getting older and they keep staying the same Age.”

Sandusky said he’s shocked to hear more children have come out against him, since he’s the usually the cuming into them.

When asked if he acted inappropriately with children, Sandusky did not deny but rather said awkwardly “I enjoy children”.  While Sandusky continues to put his foot in his mouth, the public seems happy that his foot is the only thing going in his mouth.

Apple is releasing a black history month app. According to Apple it will be called iHaveADream.

The New Jersey nets are leaving to New Jersey after next season to play in Brooklyn.  When asked why, team officials said it was either that or suicide.

Donald Trump is having trouble getting candidates to commit to his debate. When asked how he felt about being snubbed he said “you’re fired”.

There has been much debate about whether or not the Plan B pill should be and over the counter drug.  As of now, it remains only attainable by prescription. Though, The FDA has said they will still allow over the counter purchases of coat hangers.

Sadly Steve jobs died this year after a long battle with cancer.  In a phone interview right before he died Steve jobs said there are more of his innovations on the horizon.  He was starting going into more detail, but his phone then dropped the call.

Last week Herman Caine suspended his campaign do to this rising controversy over affair allegations. Cain insists that he never made love to any of the women in question.  He then Went on to clarify that he did however have dirty nasty sex with them.

Nintendo Gameboy is the hot Christmas gift of the season. Nintendo hopes the the success of the device will lead to a sequel to the product: The Nintendo Gameman.  And after the that, The Ninetendo Gamegranddad.

The Smiths were once again overlooked for the Rock and Roll hall of
fame.  the rock and roll hall of fame said they have no plans to add a
category for overrated bands.

New York Knicks star Carmelo Anthony hyper extended his knee this
week.  The Knicks are confident he will be healthy enough to meet
expectations as a huge letdown.

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin criticized Hilary Clinton over
her support of Occupy Wall Street.  Americans seem unclear as to why
he keeps “Putin” his nose in our business.

CONNOR RATLIFF
Two teams of scientists say they have recorded only hints of the subatomic particle Higgs Boson, whose existence is a key to explaining why there is mass in the universe.  The other key to explaining mass in the universe: high fructose corn syrup.

Mitt Romney’s catching a lot of flak for his now-infamous ten thousand dollar bet he tried to make during Saturday’s GOP debate.  People are saying it makes him look out-of-touch with the common man, a charge Romney flatly denied while rolling around in a gigantic pile of thousand dollar bills.

Of course, Governor Rick Perry didn’t take Romney’s bet, saying he wasn’t in “the betting business.”  Perry later admitted that part of the reason he turned him down was that he was afraid it might be “a gay thing.” Asked to clarify, he said “I don’t know, it just felt faggy.”  Elaborating further, Perry explained “I’m a terrible human being.”

Rick Perry’s latest campaign ad criticizes Washington D.C., calling it “the capital of political correctness.”  No word on where the latest ad was filmed, so let’s just assume it was made at Rick Perry’s favorite hunting lodge, “Niggerhead Ranch.”

Herman Cain, of course, is no longer in the presidential race, because, according to Cain, he secretly helped several different women financially over the past two decades.  These women all decided to repay his generosity by telling stories about him that paint him as an adulterer and a sexual predator.  Asked for further comment, Cain said “I don’t know why these women are all lying about me.  I HELPED them, and now they’re telling these awful, untrue stories about me.”  He then took his dick out and tried to have sex with almost every woman he could find.

Tom Cruise has a new Mission Impossible movie coming out, which hopefully will answer some of the lingering questions from the previous installments in that series, the biggest of which is “why do they keep making Mission: Impossible movies?”

MATT KLINMAN
I was talking to a dullard the other day, you guys know some dullards right? Man, nothing this guy said was interesting at all to me.

A South Korean developer unveiled plans for a building that looks like the twin towers exploding. The Dutch architects that designed the building responded by saying, quote “well if you don’t like this one, you’re probably not going to like our suspension bridge that looks like Auschwitz.” They fastened the cables to pylons that looked like dying jews, you see.

I am consumed with the fear that all the ideas I have that I think are good have already been thought of by smarter people and dismissed as bad ideas. But other times I am convinced a moveable tank filled with a goo that numbs all physical pain is the perfect thing for the elderly to spend their final years submerged in.

Michelle Duggar miscarried this week. That’s it, that’s the joke.

So you hear this how eyes are the window to the soul? Uh oh, we better start wearing false owls on our heads to scare away birds that are accidentally trying to fly into our eyes. What does that bird think he is going to do if he gets into my soul, anyway? Control my body? Please. My friends care little for me but I think they will be able to tell if I am suddenly acting like a bird trying to get the hang of a human body.

There was a shooting at Virginia Tech last week. Look, I know this is super sad and we’ve all been listening to Adele about this but fuck me did a Terranova just open up and Back To The Future us to 2007. Am I living in 2011 or should I start getting high and fandangoing my tix to National Treasure: Book of Secrets?

You hear this, Newt Gingrich signed a pledge today that he would not cheat on his wife. Let me rephrase that: Newt Gingrich still isn’t dead

SHANNON O’NEILL
Michelle Duggar from TLC’s 19 kids and counting recently suffered a miscarriage, losing what would have been their 20th child.
I totally understand what Michelle is going through, because everything I say is a miscarriage.

2011 National League MVP Ryan Braun has tested positive for Steroids. Don’t worry Ryan, I totally understand what you are going through, I need performance enhancing drugs to perform at best, mediocre comedy.

Music Executive John C. Atterberry was killed on Monday after a random stranger shot him while he was driving. I also have killed random strangers with my attempts at comedy.

KEITH HASKEL
The other day I saw a man in really short shorts and silky smooth legs, so I asked him, “Hey Shorty, can I touch your thighs?” He said yes, but when I went to touch them, they weren’t as smooth as I thought they’d be.  (That’s the whole joke).

Louis CK started selling his new stand up special for $5 this weekend.  I used to be the star of a Comedy Central Show and now I have a public access show.  Fuck my life.

Bananaman is here this week, can we give it up for Bananaman? (claps).  The only thing more yellow than him are my cowardly emotions.  I’m so scared of failure, that I punish myself for not being funny!

A new Liquor Store recently opened up in my neighborhood.  When I asked them what their favorite type of drink was, they said “Liquor.”  Liquor?  I barely know you!  You just opened up in my neighborhood recently!

Anyone here use FourSquare?  It’s this social media thing where you “check in” to a location to tell your friends where you are, and if you’ve checked into a location to the most, you become the mayor.  Well I’m running for mayor of my toilet, because I’m the shit!
What’s the coolest thing about winter?  The temperature!  I have a big forehead!

JON HESS:
So Rick Perry’s been in the news a lot lately for an ad he put out recently about gays and Christmas.  He’s actively trying to ban everyone from donning their gay apparel.  Talk about a war on Christmas!

JOSH SOROKACH:
Stones at the Super Bowl Forty-Six halftime show finally giving scientists definitive
proof that not all dinosaurs are extinct.

Garry Marshall’s New Years Eve opened last weekend. As expected the star studded
romantic comedy did very well in the “people forced to go to the movies with their aunt”
demographic.

In Japan last week the world’s oldest dog died at age 26; when asked to comment the
dog’s owner said I’m not gonna lie; it’s been RUFF!

In Japan last week the world’s oldest dog died at age 26. She was survived by her
master and a very suspicious, yet very patient cat. (ALT JOKE)

In disruptive aviation news Alec Baldwin was kicked off an American Airlines flight
when he refused to stop playing the popular cell phone game Words with Friends… or as
the person Baldwin was playing against refers to it, Words with Jackasses.

Hulk Hogan is suing his ex-wife Linda Bollea for defamation of character after
Bollea made a claim in her new book that Hogan had a sexual encounter with another
male wrestler. While Hogan denies the claim, Linda is said to have one major piece of
indisputable evidence: the past thirty years.

In a recent issue of Vanity Fair Lady Gaga was quoted as saying she believes she’ll
be “single forever.” This news comes as a major disappointment to men, women and
Chaz Bono.

It was recently discovered that over five hundred different moon rocks have been
misplaced or stolen from Nasa. Nasa officials cite inaccurate record keeping for the
discrepancy and have ruled out my theory that they were given out as Space Candy to
Space Charlie Brown on Space Halloween.

Taylor Swift was named the 2011 County Music Award Entertainer of the Year. In
future news the Country Music Awards have broken up with Taylor Swift.

This year a lot of young people are turning to Craigslist to find a date for New Years
Eve. While using the internet to find a date is quite popular it doesn’t beat my method of
finding a New Years Eve Date: Passively waiting until next New Years Eve.

The NBA season will kick off on Christmas day with an eagerly anticipated rematch
between Lebron James’ Miami Heat and the World Champion Dallas Mavericks. A
Mavericks victory could pave the way for another championship run by Dallas, while a
Heat victory would mark the first time the Grinch ever successfully stole Christmas.

A record number of holiday shoppers are buying their gifts online this year. The
decrease in mall attendance has forced department store Santas to return to their regular
job: sitting uncomfortably close to you on the subway.

In Greensboro North Carolina a woman was arrested for allegedly injecting an exotic
dancer’s backside with a disfiguring potion. But, in the woman’s defense, she did keep
her hands off the stripper.

The Jersey Shore’s Snookie released her very own fragrance this year, finally giving
married men across the country the perfect Christmas present to buy their mistresses.

After photos of a nude Lindsay Lohan were leaked online Hugh Hefner said he
would release the latest issue of Playboy earlier than expected, which I think is a smart
move. It’s better to release nude photos of Lohan a week early rather than six years too
late.

A recent report by CNN Money named Louisville Colorado America’s best small
town. Residents of Louisville celebrated by quietly eating dinner and then going to bed
by nine.

Jennifer Aniston was named the “Hottest Woman of All Time” by Men’s Health
Magazine finishing one spot above former sixties sex symbol Raquel Welch, and one
million spots above “that nice girl who works at the CVS your mom wants to set you up
with.”

According to a new review by the University of Melbourne in Australia, Child
Obesity Interventions can be an effective tool in helping your child lose weight. Another
effective tool for helping your child lose weight: Parenting.

ETHAN BEACH
So, I hear that Loew’s is in trouble because, apparently, did y’all hear about this, they pulled their commercials from TLC’s new reality program “All American Muslim”, and Muslim groups all over the country are angry. They find Loew’s to be racist, bigoted, and lacking in their selection of MULCH. [emphasize the "mulch"]

Did everyone see this? Rick Perry is under fire for a campaign ad uploaded on YouTube in which he manages to insult both homosexuals and atheists in the same sentence. However, what people are neglecting to see, is that Perry is, in fact, a homosexual atheist. So it’s cool. Bro.

So…a company in North Carolina is recalling over 4,000 pounds of chicken breasts thought to be contaminated with molecules that cause the potentially-deadly disease “listerosis”. Wait. Listerosis…isn’t that a brand of mouthwash? I’m now certain that I have been washing my mouth with contaminated chicken.

Also in the news…Christmas is here, and you know what that means: thousands upon thousands confusedly writing “Satan” instead of “Santa” on their children’s presents, thereby ruining Christmas for both Satan AND Santa.

And, did you hear about this? I guess this week, popular UCB comedian and internet personality Chris Gethard has been tragically killed in a monologue acci- HEY! I’m still here, damnit. [Chris breaks down and cries]

And of course, a Russian space probe washed up on the shore of the Carribean and was found by a water taxi operator. Yeah. Upon hearing this, Americans all over asked when that place from the Johnny Depp pirate movie became it’s own theme-park.

JEREMY WEIN:
Recently Michele Duggar miscarried what would have been her 20th child, which goes to show even god doesn’t like 19 and counting…..

Patrick Cotnoir:
Of course the big story of the week is about the attempted coup, it didnt work out though, as you know, Jane Pauley is still the host of the Today Show.  (ACTUAL LENO JOKE FROM 1989)

Joey Flispart:
Have you seen the ads for the new movie We Bought A Zoo? It’s not enough that they have a ton of money to buy a zoo, but those assholes made a movie bragging about it too?!
Look for me next summer in the hit blockbuster, I Bought A ’92 Honda Civic.

You guys like football? So Tim Tebow of the Denver Broncos has been on a winning streak ever since he became starting quarterback, and added on this week from winning in overtime against the Chicago Bears. Many people think the winning streak is because Tebow is so religious and that he has god on his side to help him win. But really it’s just that before every game Tebow sits down, says a quick prayer, and then has his steroids blessed

A woman was in Tulsa, Oklahoma was arrested in a Wal-Mart for making meth while in the store. She hit a level so low that this story really is Breaking Sad.
She was trying to keep her cool and stay completely normal and under control while in the store, someone acting normal in a Wal-Mart was why she raised suspicion.
When asked why she was making meth inside the store she replied, “Where else would I make it, my home…  which is the other Wal-Mart?”"
In all fairness, it was Wal-Mart’s own Sam’s Choice brand of meth she was making.

Kristie Nap:
Mets player Daniel Murphy gets ready to come back into the game and play second base this season. Unlike football coach Jerry Sandusky, who got fired for going to second base.

Morgan Evans

1. Newt Gingrich’s press secretary R.C. Hammond has quit the campaign after Gingrich called Mormonism a ‘cult’, reportedly saying that it was an insult to other cults and that Newt Gingrich was “stupid, fat and ugly and also bad at Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater”

2. According to the New York Times, by spearheading a one-day protest in which thousands rallied at West Coast ports, Occupy Oakland has cast itself as the true champion of America’s workers, and also the first thing to ever happen in Oakland.

3. According to a recent article Mall Santa’s are undergoing training for how to deal with requests from children in such a poor economy, which harkens back to 2007 when Mall Santa’s were trained to deal with a massive influx of Jews.

4. A Bank in Beirut is under investigation after it was called “The Hub of Hezbollah’s Financing”. The United States has already sprung into action and is planning a massive course of action they’ve actually tried here in the states, by giving the bank what it deserves… hundreds of millions of dollars.

5. This year more and more American’s reported bringing “store bought” foods to holiday dinners in lieu of preparing something themselves. When asked for a comment, the American people simply held up a picture of  someone named “Handsome Keith” and said, “he works at the grocery store now.”

6. According to big retailers, there is a hole in this year’s holiday shopping season due to a lack of a “hit toy” like Furby or Tickleme Elmo. It’s actually not the toy companies faults, however, as more and more children are turning to the “hit toy” of the future… crystal meth.

7. Mitt Romney is coming under fire this week after a massive campaign gaff in which he drank an entire Martinelli’s Apple Juice container full of human diareah. When asked for a comment Romney said quote, “What can you do? I just love drinking diarrhea!”

Brentt Harshman

Earlier this week, Newt Gingrich vowed to stay positive amid negative attacks from fellow GOP players. To this, Rick Perry exclaims “You don’t have to be in a pew every Sunday to know that that’s a really gay idea!”

Angelina Jolie, in an interview with Marie Claire, stated that more kids between herself and Mr. Pitt could be on the way. “Nothing is currently planned,” she stated, “but I could wind up getting pregnant.” In similar news, poor children from Zaire to Vietnam have all lost all hope of ever obtaining happiness.

Bill proposal H.R. 3035 is being voted on in Congress which could allow “robo-calls” to be sent to your cell phone. Personally, I don’t see what the big deal is. Robocop is one of my favorite films.

Both TLC and A&E have rejected a follow-up series to “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” following Todd Palin’s activities as a snowmobile racer. In similar news, television executives are finally realizing shitty television is a bad idea.

LoveGodsWay.org, a right wing Christian website, is warning parents that children who listen to NOFX have a higher chance of turning gay. A simple solution to this is to burn NOFX’s albums in front of the children. Similarly, that solution works as well if your child’s only problem is that they listen to crappy music.

In Bucharest, Romania today, two self-professed witches were detained by officials for blackmail and extortion charges. In similar news, witchcraft still exists?

Google has donated 11.5 million dollars to help fight modern day slavery of around 27 million people around the world. Google’s employees responded “that’s great and all, but can we do something about the coffee machine in the employee lounge?”

Jeany Lee

Has anyone ever been to a Sperm bank? Here’s what I like about a Sperm Bank. It’s a big temperatured controlled, fancy cum-bucket with a premium choice of deadbeat dads.

Right now There’s a 36 year old guy named Trent Arsenault that’s been running a one-man sperm bank out of his home. Can you believe that?

Sperm banks charge  thousands of dollars for insemination. Trent gives couples his sperm for FREE of Charge. Yes, FREE. Trent says, “my sperm is FRESH, not frozen. It hasn’t been quarantined for years”

Yes ladies, The trent white pudding factory delivers sperm FRESH and FREE . Nice to know someone’s increasing the low birth rate in America.

Jesse Vandenbergh

Over 251 medications including the cancer treatment drug, Doxil, have been
in short supply this year causing concern among patients who desperately
need treatment. To make matters worse, this is one of the many jokes written
during the work hours of a guy who works at a pharmaceutical wholesaler.

2. The phrase “the 99 percent’ has become ingrained in the cultural lexicon. It
will be forever known in the pages of history as the majority of Americans
who fought hard and endured the elements to have sex in Zuccotti Park.

3. Angelina Jolie’s directorial debut film entitled ‘In the Land of Blood and
Honey’ may be banned from a Serb-run portion of Bosnia. The controversy
was not aroused from the film’s content, but rather from the fact that
Angelina has yet to harvest a Bosnian child.

4. The victims of the Penn State child sexual abuse scandal were outraged
yesterday when Jerry Sandusky’s lawyer urged them to attend his client’s
hearing only to cancel it at the last minute. This marks the first time that
Jerry Sandusky has blue balled his victims.

5. Donald Trump did not follow through on his plans to moderate a presidential
debate between Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum. I successfully moderated
a debate back in October between presidential candidates, Connor Ratliff and
Jimmy McMillan. It’s not that hard. You just show up and moderate. Get it
together, Donald.

Mitchell Fesh

1. A 24-year-old Connecticut man was arrested and charged Tuesday with electronically attacking a website belonging to Gene Simmons. When reached for a comment Mr. Simmons said “It’s okay. Whatever problems I have, I just fix them with all the money I made from being a big rockstar.”

2. After 5 years of being off the air, NBC has decided to bring back the gameshow “Fear Factor.” More importantly, scientists recorded over 1 billion insects speaking English, saying “OH, NO!”, when they heard the news.

3. Lindsay Lohan appeared in court today for her probation progress report. Though, some think it might have been her British twin pretending to be her.

4. A new study says that one out of every 15 high school students smokes marijuana on a near daily basis, also saying that 14 out of every 15 high school students are TOTAL LAME-OS!

5. Time magazine’s “Person of the Year” award was given to “The protester.” In response, millions of non-protesters are now protesting outside the Time magazine offices.

Jason Cook

-Thousands of Poles are protesting in Europe this week. They are protesting all the shitty jokes written about them.
-Donald Trump dropped out of a GOP debate he was set to moderate. It so unlike him to do things solely for attention…
-A scientific study showed that there is no clear skill gap between males and females when it comes to math. Driving, on the other hand.
-Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney called rival Newt Gingrich “unreliable.” Romney added he couldn’t tell if newt was in his larval, juvenile or adult stage of development yet.
-The NBA continues to block trades of New Orleans point guard Chris Paul. Finally putting to rest the “slave/slave owner” dynamic the players and owners have had for decades.
-Photo’s from this month’s Playboy of a twisted, misshapen gorgon leaked this week. Thousands of families have reported teens turning to stone upon gazing at the photo spread.
-Google donated more than $11 million to fight slavery. When did Google invent a time machine and go back to the 1800s?
Brandon Tarzis

-The FAA has allowed American Airlines pilots to use iPads in the cockpit. This is big news because this finally debunks the myth that pilots actually fly planes.

-Reggae Rapper Matisyahu shocked his fans Tuesday by posting pictures of himself on Twitter without his traditional Hassidic beard. Fans shouldn’t be worried. The beard will be coming out with a solo album in the fall.

-Buddy and Pedro, the gay penguins at the Toronto Zoo are now pursuing female partners. But they aren’t fooling anyone…

-After Lamar Odom’s trade from LA to Dallas this week, Odom’s wife Khloe Kardashian says she is “sad, but positive energy gets you a lot farther than negative.” It seems here though that negative energy got her 2000 miles farther than expected.

-Facebook is now giving its users the ability to report any content on the site as “suicidal” with the creator of the post receiving information on suicide prevention. Admins strongly encourage using this tool only when necessary and always on the Myspace facebook page.

-Conservative Christian group The Florida Family Association is attacking the TLC show “All-American Muslim” saying that the plight of Islam is a “clear and present danger to American liberties and traditional values.” The group said nothing of other All-American TLC shows like: “My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding”; “DUI”; and “Toddler and Tiaras.”

-Time Magazine has awarded its Person of the Year recognition, given to the most impactful and inspiring person of 2011, to The Protestor which closely edged out the Adele album “21″ for the #1 spot.

Joe Petro

The weather’s getting cold out here in New York, which means the city’s abundant outdoor produce stands will once again be shutting down for the Winter. This is unfortunate for me however, as I was planning a nice high-speed car chase this weekend and now I’m not gonna have anything worthwhile to crash into.
—
In crazier news, a Florida woman was recently arrested for performing unlicensed cosmetic surgery. After a injecting cement into her own posterior for a fuller physique, she performed the procedure on other women who eventually ended up in the hospital. Said the woman, following her arrest, “All this because I didn’t have a license? Isn’t that a little excessive? And I thought I was a hard ass!”
One victim of this crime underwent the surgery because she was seeking a job as an exotic dancer. In regard to the procedure, she described it as easily “the fourth hardest butt injection” she’s had this month.
—
In upstate New York, two Buffalo men have been charged with stealing $200,000 from city parking meters. There is still no word on how they managed to carry the coins with their hooves.
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An iPhone app that allows users to create novelty fake drivers licenses was recently pulled by Apple from their app store. Infuriated by the removal, an appeal has been filed by the app’s creator, Mike Rotchisari.

Bert Holsom

President Obama announced this week that he’s having another baby.  His name is John  Boehner and he cries a lot.

New York City halted construction of the 2nd Avenue Subway line this month, after local residents complained that walking through the smoke produced by underground explosions could be bad for them.   Also getting shut down this week cause it might be bad for them – my relationship with a lady.

Scientists made major breakthroughs this week in discovering what is up with something called the God particle.  It turns out it’s a particle made out of honey, and a big bear relative to the particle is always trying to lick it.

Production of cars – this is crazy news – the big American car companies, Ford, General Motors, and the third one, gained in market share this year for the first time since 1988.  Toyota and Honda lost market share, because there was a big earthquake in Japan that caused a nuclear disaster.  If I want to be successful, maybe I should murder people.

In local News, Fran Drescher, star of the TV Show “The Nannie,” sent a letter to New York Governor Andrew Cuomo, urging him to resist calls to embrace frakking, a controversial earth cracking thing that gets gas, cause it may also cause cancer.  After I read this in the paper, I sent a letter to Governor Cuomo asking him if he would be my friend.

Dracula turned 100 today.  The character, created by Bram Stoker, is a monster who sucks blood out of people because he can’t live on normal food.  Watch out Cookie Monster, pretty soon there will be a movie about you, sort of like how Dracula evolved into Twilight, whatever that equivalent thing would be.

Chris Paul almost got traded to the Lakers this week.  The trade was vetoed by NBA Commissioner David Stern, however, when he changed his name to David Stupid.

A janitor in some library in Spain found a box on a shelf at the library that had like 15 billion euros worth of old gold in it.  She tried to check it out, but she’d never applied for a library card!  What a funny thing!

A spooky old ghost materialized in Central Park this week.  His name is Adam Vantkoff and he wants us to know that he comes in peace.  I wish!

I just heard Bob Hope died several years ago.  He of course starred in all those classic “Road to” movies with Bing Crosby.   I wonder if Dorothy Lamour is in need of comforting? (waggle eyebrows knowingly for comedic effect).

It turns out Dorothy Lamour also died several years ago.  I wonder if she has a granddaughter?  That’s not a joke!  (Do a little dance)  Miss Lamour, I know you’re out there.  I may not be Bob Hope, or Bing Crosby, but I’m desperately trying to be.  And if you think a guy who’ll put his heart on the line for some girl he doesn’t even know exists, some girl who genealogically speaking is possible but who factually could be a boy or a child or the sad dream of a barren septuagenarian, just maybe could be worth a punt in this crazy universe we call earth, well give him a call and let’s grow old together, and make babies, and laugh!  (Cry)

The Empire State Building was all lit up red the other night.  When asked why red on the specific day that happened, Leona Helmsley replied, “I thought maybe the IRS would leave me alone if the building was in the red!”

A FBI report released on Thursday warned Holiday shoppers that international thieves were flooding the wallet market this year with knockoffs of trendy wallets.   Luckily for US shoppers, what’s trendy internationally is Veronica Mars!!!

Rick Perry received 20 billion thumbs down on the internet this week after he published a youtube video where he said gay people are stupid.  People took this as a kind of victory.  Maybe we should send our thumbs to Syria.  And that brings us to our special comment.

Sarah Palin in the news, huh?  Did you hear about this?  Sarah Palin tried to sell a reality tv show to networks this week, but was turned down.  The show would have been called nature v. nurture.  In it Palin, a horse, and a gun would be placed in a field.  Palin would be lobotomized and then everyone would watch to see if she’d still shoot the horse.  What went wrong?  (Get your team to fix this joke)

Polls out of South Carolina this week showed Barack Obama besting both Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich in hypothetical 2012 matchups, causing pundits to wonder if the Palmetto state is creeping towards toss up territory.  When asked to comment, Gingrich died.

The new batman movie, said to be the last in Christopher Nolan’s proposed trilogy, dropped a new poster on moviegoers this week.  Did you hear about this, Shannon?  Fans of the films were disappointed because it doesn’t look like The Dark Knight Rises will take place in Burma.

Santa Claus is on his way in a few weeks, did you hear about this Shannon?  Children in the Americas are busy doing good deeds and trying to get off that naughty list.  Meanwhile, at the North Pole, Jacky the masturbating elf is trying to get off on that naughty list! (Only if you want to go blue.  I do not like this joke personally but I know that comedians sometimes have to do a blue joke to fit in with their peers)

Garth Brooks died today, a little inside when he remembered that it had been a long time since he’d written I’ve Got Friends in Low Places.  Did you hear about this, Shannon?  When asked to comment, current crossover country music star Taylor Swift asked what specifically she was to comment on, and getting a vague answer, she noted that while Garth Brooks hosted the SNL where Will Ferrell played the devil who is unable to produce a tasty lick, she was in the underrated sketch where she kept saying “Bennett,” while showing off her unexpectedly large feet!

Oscar Season in full swing, with Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy getting a lot of buzz this week.  The film, which stars the guy who plays Commissioner in Batman, is supposed to be good.  You guys seen this movie? (Work crowd, be like, “Yeah, yeah…”)

Judy Collins released a biography this week, Suite Judy Blue Eyes.  People alive more than 30 years are like, hey, moments of my life, that I lived, are now minimized into book anecdotes.  You hear about this Shannon?  In other news, I think my doctor, Dr. Hersmowitz, just put a gun in his mouth. (Smile knowingly to crowd, try to man through this joke)

This Christmas marks the 15th anniversary of the debut of the hottest Christmas fad of all time: tickle me Elmo.  Awash in the gold cloud of the 1990s, American children loved the idea of a small red furry creature who would laugh with joy when touched.  Remember that Shannon.  Fuck me, 15 years?  Contrast that with this year’s popular toy for kids, chest plate Dan, a frightened looking doll with a chest plate that will stand up to a beating, but will eventually crack under pressure -(Look at camera 2) the bones in his chest that is, splintering and piercing his faux skin, (Back to camera one) while shrieking and spasming, before finally bleeding out.

I learned to ride a bike today.  Next up, looking for a bike helmet.  (Roll eyes)  Hello, I’m taking a scenic ride, not bump bumping down the Andes!

Lowe’s, an American store, withdrew a commercial set to run during a TLC show called American Muslim.  Lowe’s was responding to some sort of pressure from a Florida group that doesn’t like Muslims, period.  Did everybody hear about this?  Since you can’t see it now, I figured we’d tell you what happens in the commercial:  This is a Low, from Blur’s seminal 90′s album, Parklife, plays over triple exposed film of calves wearing dog tags, those dog tags bearing many different names, but all with the same date, 3-4-12.  The film burns out from the center, like someone placed a cigarette on the reel, and then the music stops, and a high pitched childlike voice screams “I created you” absent any emotion.  Lowe’s, spokesman Rob Hutz commented, considered “End of a Century,” and “Magic America” as well, but likes wordplay too much!

Can you believe this weather we’re having?  It’s like you can’t even be sure how to dress!  It snows in mid-October, then it’s beach days for most of November!  Did you hear about this Shannon?  This morning I went out wearing a snowsuit, and by midafternoon, I’d sweated so hard I started to look like Thom Yorke in the music video for No Surprises.  Also I was wearing a helmet with a sealed plastic face visor.

Katie Perry in the news, Shannon.  She said this week that her song, I kissed a girl was based on a relationship with a girl she new when she was younger.  Another song about a girl the song’s author knew when younger?  My new song ” Incubator humpin’ ”  Cut to picture of yourself as baby with like your face on a baby’s body.  Then be like, “Oh that’s wrong!  Who wrote this joke?  Then say, oh yeah, I did!  Then say, no I didn’t it was my good friend Bert Holsom, I just hung out with him last week, shout out to Bert from the CGS!

Congress is pushing an anti-piracy act that would make it harder for people to steal stuff that’s copyrighted using the internet, while making it easier for large corporations to shut down the internet.  Luckily for Americans, you hear about this Shannon, there’s something called the Constitution!  (Read Constitution to audience.  This joke only to be used if your backup guys, the guys who sit behind you, are all dead or fell asleep or whatever, and there is a bunch of minutes left in the show.  ALTERNATE – take out Chinese food menu, and say “I’ll have the Shredded Beef Szechuan Style, with extra white rice, and a pint of the chicken corn chowder soup.”  Then say, “Oh wait, that is not the Consitution, this is!”  Then take out the actual Constitution and read it.)

I left my body last night, did you hear about this Shannon?  I left my body, I mean I split my soul and my flesh into two separate entities, and now I’m hosting my own show in spirit form.  Which I guess answers the question people have been asking a lot of times, do spirits show up on tv.  Still unanswered, is there an episode of the Wonder Years where Fred Savage’s character makes a joke about how it makes sense she’s called Winnie cause she looks like a horse, then feels bad about it?

The Inferno by Dante ticked up Amazon.com’s fiction bestseller list this week after former first lady Barbara Bush was seen reading the old time book at a small soup shop in Greece.  Her husband, George HW Bush, was reading a sexy manual.  Oh I’m sorry, that’s sex manual!  The couple was later seen having sex on a public beach, and then they went to hell.  I love couples that share their interests!  Did you hear about this Shannon?

It’s all cold down on the beach… winds whipping down the boardwalk… chuckle  Hey gang you guys know what time it is? What time? What? What? What?  What?  Oh, Christmas time!  Grunt.   You guys all you guys all been good and practicing really hard? Yeah Clarence you been you been rehearsing real hard now so Santa will bring you a new saxophone, right?   Everybody out there been good or what, oh that’s not many, not many, you guys are in trouble out here! Grunt and chuckle. Inaudible.  Grunt like sexual.

A baby seal broke into a house and fell asleep on the couch this week, there is a photo of this online.  That’s cute, isn’t it Shannon?  Less cute?  The seal had piled valuables into a rucksack and carefully sealed the house with a caulking gun, so that no air could escape.  Meanwhile, the seal had connected a tube from the garage, where an old Studebaker was being kept, to the house basement.  It appears that the seal hoped to murder the family as they slept, with carbon monoxide.  Possibly the seal took a rest because he realized that the family might go through the house and notice the preparations made for their murder when checking on the extent of the seal’s robbery, and thus conflicted about whether he should return the valuables and just settle for murder, a break became necessary.

No polls have been released since Conor Ratliff admitted to a national audience that he’d had an affair with the nation.  Ratliff, who previously admitted he’s 35, and not 36, is quickly losing his credibility.  However, he still has my vote.  Cause there’s two things I look for in people I like: don’t tell me your real age, and have sex with me.

Jon Schwartz

Did you hear about the judge who threw a formal dance?

The ball was in his court.

Kimberly Rossiter

The last time I wore this suit was on a job interview.  I didn’t get it.  Apparently the person interviewing me was not impressed when I answered “What skill set will you bring to this position?” with “Knowing all the words to Paul Revere by the Beastie Boys.”

SpongBox

So did anyone see those photos of China’s new aircraft carrier? Yeah? That thing looks huge! Apparently it weighs 95 million tonnes. To put that in perspective, that’s about the same weight as Random Andrew’s mom.

No but seriously, China says the aircraft carrier is going to be used for ‘research’. Research!? That’s like saying my dick was being used for ‘research’ when I was boning Random Andrew’s mom.

I’m sorry man, it’s not true, I didn’t really screw your mom. My car ran out of gas halfway up her thigh.

Brian Lisi

A 2002 video of Mitt Romney has surfaced in which he tells reporters,
“I’m someone who is moderate, and my views are progressive.”
Contradicting more recent statements by Romney in which he claims to
not have existed pre-2008.

The UN now estimates 5,000 people, including 300 children, have died
in Syria since government crackdowns began. Now if their president can
just figure out who’s killing them!

Scientists hope to find the Higgs boson particle within the next
year…And avenge their families’ deaths.

Earlier this week, Occupy protesters attempted to shut down a port in
Portland, Oregon. Thereby threatening the nation’s supply of custom
bikes and lack of humor.

Canada announced it’s withdrawing from the Kyoto Protocol. It then
asked America, “Are we ‘cool’ yet?”

At a pro-Putin rally in Russia, the crowd was reportedly “sparse,”
while some attendees claimed to have been forced to show up. Giving
Putin one more thing he has in common with Chris Brown.

In response to Alec Baldwin’s actions aboard a flight, the Association
of Professional Flight Attendants is asking American Airlines to ban
“30 Rock” from its flights. That’s the Association of Professional
Flight Attendants: you can molest elderly passengers pre-flight but
don’t you dare slam the bathroom door.

MIT unveiled a camera that can visualize the movement of light,
capturing images at about one trillion frames per second. Which is
almost fast enough to truly catch Matt Damon’s talent.

Russell Simmons is criticizing Lowe’s for pulling ads from TLC’s
“All-American Muslim” reality show. But will his concerns fall on
“def” ears? Haha! But seriously, he’ll probably be ignored.

Newt Gingrich said he almost quit his presidential campaign earlier
this year. So to clarify, wife with cancer? Leave. Faltering
presidential ambitions? Let’s see where this goes.

During an interview with “60 Minutes,” Obama defended himself, saying,
“I didn’t overpromise.” In response, a bunch of dudes in Guantanamo
Bay loudly cleared their throats.

Meryl Streep will appear on the cover of Vogue for the first time
ever. And according to records, yup, she has now officially won
everything possible.

In Iowa, Rick Perry said “$500 million…went to the country Solynda,”
referring to the energy company Solyndra. Sadly, that money could’ve
been spent on educating the most vulnerable in the country, that is,
Texas governors.

Earlier this year, police in North Dakota made history by using a
Predator drone to make an arrest. Authorities said it was “fucking
cool as shit.”

The New York Post says Brooklyn’s district attorney has arrested 85
suspected child molesters in Orthodox Jewish neighborhoods over the
last 3 years. Not an easy task when everyone appears to be wearing a
disguise.

Daniel Mauleon

Did you see this? In his new show Rob Schneider, the man who previously has been a girl trapped in mans body and animal hybrid plays his most unrealistic role yet, a white gardener married into a mexican family.
To be fair his new show is just practice for his 2012 release, Diego Bigilo, Tiajuana Gigolo

Martin Kellogg

Q: What do you call a kind glacier?
A: a niceberg
Q: What do you call a glacier with hair problems?
A: a liceberg
Q: What do you call a wide receiver glacier?
A: a jerry riceberg
Q: Do you want more glacier jokes?
A: enticeberg
Q: What do you call a deodorant glacier?
A: an allspiceberg
Q: What do you call an expensive glacier?
A: a priceberg
Q: What do you call a gambling glacier?
A: a diceberg
Q: Have you heard enough glacier jokes?
A: sufficeberg

Jonathan

- What syndrome killed all the pirates? SARS!

William Klaus

Apparently Mitt Romney’s favorite phrase, “keep America American”, was also a favorite phrase of the Klu Klux Klan, and was used on many Klan pamphlets.  When asked whether or not this was coincidence or by design, Romney said, “Great minds think alike”.  Later, Romney issued an apology stating that he was confused by the question and was unfamiliar with the Klan’s actual work, saying he grew up believing the Klan was a gang of noble warriors his Grandfather pretended to be a part of when he told him bedtime stories.

Nick Mendillo

“The Chris Gethard Show was asked to perform an outdoor show in Central Park for the Christmas Season, but with the weather expected to be in the 30′s, The Chris Gethard show declined based on their motto that there are “No Cool Kids” allowed.”

“Scientists recently discovered the largest known black hole in the universe. It measures roughly 20 billion times our Sun. The second largest black hole is Random Andrew’s asshole.”

“Katie Couric broke up with her boyfriend of 5 years. When asked what motivated her to be single again, she replied, ‘After seeing Papa Geth’s Cauldron of Love, I come to the realization that there is no hope for love for anyone on this earth ever.’ She then slipped off her panties and slit her own throat.”

“The Orlando Magic have pulled out of trade talks for Dwight Howard. You know who should’ve pulled out? Chris Gethard’s dad.”

“Lindsay Lohan missed her flight out of Hawaii to be a guest on The Ellen DeGeneres Show. She was supposed to promote the issue of Playboy magazine that was leaked weeks before it’s release, but the producers at Ellen refuse to reschedule a date for her. Ellen instead is showcasing Penthouse’s new issue, ‘Shannon O’Neill’s Swollen Pussy Lips’”

“A woman in Manhattan was killed today after an elevator malfunctioned and crushed her between the elevator door and the wall to the elevator shaft. Deaths like this are rare, but less likely than death by Don Fanelli’s shaft.”

“The Boston Red Sox traded infielder Jed Lowrie to the Houston Astros for pitcher Mark Melancon (pronounced Meh-LAN-sin). When asked if he was sad to leave Boston, Lowrie responded ‘Yes, but at least I don’t have to be on the Chris Gethard Show.’”

Todd Sentz

Newt Gingrich today said today that poor school children should clean their school’s bathrooms to earn extra money.

Poor school children responded by saying “shut the fuck up, old man.”