First things first, I could not be more proud of the title of this blog post.
Secondly – thanks to everyone who watched “We Got Nothing” last week. It turned into a really great show and I felt such a strong sense of community from our callers an studio and audience and panel that lead to a very fun show full of funny calls and weird moments. And that fish was literally the worst thing I’ve ever smelled ever. Also, Electric Monday got the crowd dancing. In particular, I’ve never seen Bethany go nuts on the dance floor like that. She brought that Rob Malone spirit to a show where Rob was absent.
THIS WEEK IS GOING TO BE INSANE.
So, a few weeks ago, me and JD and Noah and Dru were sitting around thinking up show topics. And someone was like “I wish we could have robots fight on the show.” And we all laughed about how absurd that was. Then we all kind of paused, then we all started figuring out how to actually have robots fight on our show.
Clearly, we don’t have access to robotic technology, but what we do have is access to a whole lot of cardboard and some very creative people.
THIS WEEK, EIGHT COMPETITORS WILL BUILD CARDBOARD ROBOT SUITS AND FIGHT ON CAMERA IN A SINGLE ELIMINATION TOURNAMENT.
More details on that in a moment – before I get into that I want to make clear that our musical guest this week is going to be amazing. They are called HAND JOB ACADEMY. They are a rap group. I have been listening to them non-stop online and I can say that their lyrics are shocking to me and I am a person who asks friends of mine to beat me with wiffle bats on a public access television show I host. They come off as part party/part angry/part confusing/all badass. I can’t wait to welcome to the show, and it seems fitting that they are appearing on a show that involves a lot of people physically fighting. I get the impression from their music that they’ll read my impression of them and be half flattered and half think I’m a huge raging pussy.
Ok. Let’s go over the competitors and rules of our ROBOT FIGHTS.
Every competitor was given a kit of materials consisting of a large box, a sheet of cardboard, and two packing tubes. It is the responsibility of each competitor to craft a robot suit for themselves out of these materials. Each is required to stay inside the box shape so that we each have similar limitations on how we can move, but outside of that they are free to cut up their materials, craft weapons and defense mechanisms, and formulate strategies. Before each fight, each competitor will have a tennis ball mounted on their suit. When the fight starts, whoever can knock the tennis ball off of their competitor’s robot suit first will win the fight and move on to the next round.
This is one of those ideas that I think is going to go really well. Like in my mind, all eight people are going to make amazingly crafted robot suits out of refrigerator and dishwasher boxes. This might be one of those things that is really shitty despite my high hopes and I invite you all to laugh at my heartbreak and exasperation in the face of this eventuality.
Here are the eight competitors entering this week’s ROBOT FIGHTS -
Chris Gethard – that’s me. The host of the show, the guy with the weird ideas, the crafty veteran who literally thought up the rules of this game. My assumption is I am going to win this contest very easily.
Shannon O’Neill - the first lady of The Chris Gethard Show and a notorious badass. If her morals allow her to say endlessly horrific things to a teenager like Alyssa, just imagine the lengths she’s willing to go to in order to win a robot fight. Obviously, betting types will see high odds of Shannon doing damage in this tournament.
Bethany Hall - the moral center of TCGS and really the only truly good person associated with it. Bethany will have a dishwasher box instead of the standard fridge box because she’s tiny. I have to say, the odds of Bethany winning a physical fight are not high, but maybe her virtuousness and sense of good will allow her to win against all odds, not unlike Frodo?
Noah Forman - one of the head writers of TCGS, and also one of the most athletic people in this contest. Not only is Noah an avid hockey player, but he’s also a rabid Rangers fan and they’re doing well right now which means he’s surging with a Hulk-like intensity and confidence.
Random Melissa - Random Melissa will have smaller box due to her smaller stature and also because we could only find a certain number of refrigerator boxes. She will have increased mobility but weakened defense because of this. I wish I could write more, but I literally know almost nothing about Random Melissa. She is BY FAR the most Random of all of our Randoms thus far if you equate Random-ness with continuing mysteriousness.
Murf - the Reservoir Dog himself. The scourge of Gimghoul. The show’s resident whiskey drinking badass. These will not be the first fights Murf has been in. He’s crafty, he’s physically impressive, and he has no qualms with being underhanded when it’s necessary.
Carrie Anne Murphy - Carrie Anne is probably better known to TCGS viewers as “the completely badass lead singer of legendary musical guest Bad Credit No Credit”. She was last seen on the TCGS airwaves sprinting into audience members while screaming in their faces, knocking them to the ground, then opting to dive onto the ground and roll around herself in what appeared to maybe be subtle subconscious mockery of the very audience member she knocked over. My point is, while I am profoundly happen to welcome a creative and vi0lent kindred soul of Carrie Anne’s caliber back to our airwaves, I really do not want to fight this woman.
THE RETURN… OF…
DON FANELLI - It’s been a long time since TCGS viewers have seen one of my best friends and one of the builders of the TCGS in its foundational days. Where has the Handsomest Man in Hackensack been all this time? Is he still the Big Bad Buck of Bergen County? Mystery surrounds Don Fanelli – and it only makes sense that he opts to return to TCGS in an episode where he might get to wrestle and fight. A former Division 1 varsity athlete, the captain of his high school football team – taking down FADONZ will be a tall order for anyone.
THESE ARE YOUR EIGHT ROBOT WARRIORS. THEY ARE ALL BUSY RIGHT NOW BUILDING CARDBOARD EXOSKELETONS TO FIGHT IN FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT. I WANT TO WIN AND AM DEFINITELY TAKING THIS COMPETITION TOO SERIOUSLY.
