I hope everybody enjoyed last week’s Ultimate Public Access party. That one was a scorcher that immediately set a new bar for the show. Andrew WK. Kitty Pryde. People in pig masks. Omar going HAM in a screaming contest. Stage diving. So much fun. I don’t know how we are going to top it in our lifetime. Luckily, this week we don’t have to.
We really, really wanted to do 18th Century American Gladiators this week, but have to postpone it for a sixth or seventh time. Because we’ve been contacted by a mysterious being who needs to commandeer our show, and apparently, the future hangs in the balance…
… long time viewers may remember that a few months back we had an episode entitled “Robot Fights” where a strange man from the future named “The Keeper of the Battledome” insisted that we stage fights and fight out who the greatest warrior of the TCGS community is. While doing so, he filled us in on the fates of many of our cast members, the state of the world decades from now, and painted a pretty bleak picture overall.
Well, a few days ago, The Keeper of the Battledome got in touch with me and spun a very overwhelming tale that is going to effect this week’s show immeasurably. But I am down to do my part to save humanity.
So APPARENTLY, in the future Stillman, aka the Supreme Superhero of the Universe, aka World Dictator Connor Ratliff, has amassed an oppressive robot army utilizing all of the metal in the world and wields said army to keep humanity under his iron fist. And even weirder, it apparently was prophecized that on a certain date far into the future, a caller would call The Chris Gethard Show and give humanity the secret to defeating these evil robots.
Apparently, the day before that episode of TCGS was to air, the robots found Chris Gethard, aka my future self, and managed to kill him. It turns out that the whole reason the Keeper of the Battledome showed up in our reality was to find me so he could transport me to the date of this potential prophecy so the show could continue and the prophecy would have a chance to be fulfilled.
Now what the Keeper of the Battledome never told me before this week was that his time machine was damaged on his trip through the time tunnel that brought him to our time, so he’s been stuck here. But when he saw that 40 Year Old Goosey can trigger slow motion, he realized that Goosey was another timelord, though raw and untrained. But the Keeper of the Battledome can apparently use 40 Year Old Goosey himself as a device to power the machine he uses to navigate the time tunnel.
SO THAT ALL BEING SAID – this week on TCGS, the show will begin as usual in 2012, with our usual gang of panelists and friends. The Keeper of the Battledome will be on hand to explain all of this further. Then, when he tells me it is time, The Keeper of the Battledome, 40 Year Old Goosey, and myself will enter a time machine that will allow us to travel to the war ravaged timeline of our descendants. There, I will meet up with any panelists who have managed to survive, as well as the descendants of those who have subsequently perished. Hopefully a caller will call and offer up the info necessary for the prophecy to be fulfilled, allowing humanity to survive. It’s going to be a lot of pressure, but I’m ready to do my part.
On top of all of that, we are happy to welcome Science Police as our musical guests! Comprised of a group of legendary members of the NYC pop punk scene, these guys are going to make us dance hard in the present. And if they are still alive in the post-apocalyptic wasteland I’ll be traveling to, I hope they’ll visit us there, too.
If you live in the present, please call 212-757-1393 during the show to wish me luck before we head to the future. If you are reading this from the future, please call 212-757-1393 to let us know how the robot apocalypse has been treating you – and if you are person who has the key to defeating the robots, please call and share that info so humanity can survive and I can head back to my own timeline.
Thanks so much!