Last night myself, R.L. Stine, D.C. Pierson, Dave Hill, Shannon O’Neill, The Human Fish, Murf, Bethany Hall, and Random Ellen sat on a panel and committed to writing a book with the input of callers in to the Chris Gethard Show. They said it couldn’t be done. It has been done. Here is that book in its entirety, unedited as it was typed last night by The Man Behind The Plant, Dave Hill, Julia Nathan, and myself. Wonderful cover art made by friend of the show Andrea Streeter while the show was happening.
The Murder of the Human Fish
It was the call of times, it was the stead of times in the year 2021, pronounced “20twenty-one!”
This year 2021 is so crazy.
Have you seen the Human Fish lately, he’s multiple presidents?
Why would you doubt the Human Fish, he’s doing so well so far.
Is it because your marriage floundered?
The human fish- will we ever really understand him? Probably not. But the lower arm hair- we must address it if we are to survive. So- you’re good mostly? I’m fine. Thanks for asking.
Chris- wow. That’s all.
That’s two things!!
The Human Fish was promptly accosted by his mortal enemy, The Fish Human. My friends, I have convinced the Human Fish to have his hair waxed off his body.”
“But you know that there’s something in that hair, that, when it comes off – “
“Yes, when his hair comes off his body, it becomes more Human Fish.”
“Yes, and we will raise them as our own.”
“And we will fuck them if we want to,” The Fish Human boasted proudly.
(musical break about slime)
As the Human Fish sat in his office, Kristy burst through the doors. She was under suspicion of killing him at some time in the future, but he could not deny the way she looked in that lovely yellow dress. Ellen, his current girlfriend, stared daggers into her soul.
“Look, I know things have been really crazy between us lately.”
“Yes, we’re best friends.”
“In the sense that I want to make sweet love to The Human Fish. Look, I know you, but do I really know you? Are you noble? I’d like to think so.”
“I don’t know, I think I know The Human Fish better than you know the Human Fish.”
“Well, looks like we’ve got a slap fight on our hands.”
One member of the long triangle is employeed to get a hair sample o get more samples to get more human fish made under the auspices of seduction. But we’re not suer who it is.
The Human Fish winds up in a net. He’s being lowered into very hot water. He is in real danger.
Ellen and Kristie are luring him into thenet because they ant to know hwo he loves more. They want to get an answer from him.
HE WILL BE STEAMED.
This is a conflict!
Ellen wants to steam the human fish. Kristie wants to bake him.
The Fish Human comes out of nowhere and demands that he be grilled.
Are we not all Human Fish? Lost at sea? Begging to be dragged to shore into school or someone’s frying pan? Or just weirdly fingered in our weird fish buttholes? Some sort of contact.
It turns out, neither woman the Fish sexually, they just want to eat him!
Aren’t we all Colby from Tulsa?
Shoutout to D.C. Pierson!
“Thanks Colby, for including a plug to another book in this book.” DC gives a heartfelt thumbs up.
“Beforehand, what if someone personified cancer?”
The Human Cancer enters the fray!
The Human Cancer immediately dies of his own cancer. He is no longer a factor in this story. He was removed with Fish hair. We still talk about him to this day.
There is a lyrical Irish tone to this section of the story. Read it as such.
It is pretty sweet.
“Do I want to win or do I want to bake him?” she asked.
Or was she on a collision course with eliminating him forever so no one else could have him.
“I dream about it every night,” Random Ellen said, in a weirdly sinister tone.
All of the aforementioned characters take a ROAD TRIP together.
DC spearheads it.
They are going to Burning Man. The people in the car Ellen, DC Pierson her sidekick, Kristie from Long Island her best friend, the Human Fish, The Fish Human, The Fish Human’s henchman. The corpse of the Human Cancer is brought along on the road trip.
R.L. Stine, it turns out, conquered the Human Cancer via his immense positivity and willingness to play along.
“Oh man, it’s really crowded in this RV that we’re all riding in right now, I wish the Human Cancer stipulated that we can’t look in the back, which he said in his will that there’s a lot of stuff in the back of this RV that may or may not implicate people in crimes. And a rape.”
“Why that’s right said his southern lawyer, dabbing his brow with a monogrammed kerchief, with the letters AH. Why as sure as I’m not secretly Adolf Hitler.”
“Hey, Human Cancer’s lawyer, what’s with all this white pride mix tape you’re making us listen to? That’s weird.”
“You mean to tell me you don’t enjoy the soulful stylings of such white pride bands as Screwdriver?”
“Yeah I know.”
“Dave and I knpow all about white power music.”
“Hey Fish Human”
“Not that we’re into it”
“From a purely anthropological standpoint”
The Human Fish is as,leep.
“I know but I have to finish these caramel bugles first”
“they make those?”
“They do now”
“snore, snore snore snore vs zzzzzzz”
FISH DON’T SLEEP! SOMETHING IS AFOOT! Maybe he’s not sleeping!
“WAIT A MINUTE! NO ONE’S DRIVING THIS RV!”
“We are literally hanging off of a cliff!”
They are hanging off of a cliff.
Aren’t we all hanging off of a cliff??
I don’t know how they’re going to get off this cliff!
“Oh wait, there’s a dildo!”
A screamo lead singer appears with a dildo. His satisfied is alongside him.
The screamo gentleman grabs DCs hand, they create a human chain. The dildo is s pun like a helicopter blade. Everyone flies away on the dildo.
Just to be clear,it is a black dildo.
The Human Fish says “Before we get to Burning Man, I need to stop at the aquarium.”
They stop at the aquarium! The Fish jumps into the tank and falls in love with a carp!
This is the world’s worst aquarium. They have a carp. Just a single carp in a tank. But he’s not so single anymore that carp! Now it’s the world’s best aquarium.
“He must have figured out I was gonna bake him eventually”, Ellen exclaimed!
“I’ve always relied on the kindness of strangers,” Kristie from Long Island said. “I guess I’ll just head over to that gas station!”
There was a gas station right actross from the aquarium where this guy.
The Human Fish commits sipiku out of depression. He can’t have the one he loves. He fell out of love – love can be fickle that way!
The Human Fish lives happily ever after.
And guess what? The Human Fish is you!